17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family