You Might Also Like
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Never forget.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I’m too immature for adultery.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
liiiiiiiiike
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness