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Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers