Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
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men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.