You Might Also Like


Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know


men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes


No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.


ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*


My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”


Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.


A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.


[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.


Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?


Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.