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@TouchOfAlchemy

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

@yaitskayy

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

@Marcmywords2

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

@truegritrumble

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

@bylinetd

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

@EdgarPoop1

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

@Smug_Lemur

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

@

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

@_wendyb07

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.