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Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?