$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My dad is at it again
TODAY
No one :
Me when I swimming :
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.