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[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.


Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.


Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.


Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.


Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.


Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.


Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?


Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.


Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*