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Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Some people were born into their job.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
the icebreaker
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.