[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
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If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Hmm, not sure about this change
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.