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coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
#growingpains
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.