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[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.