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Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*