18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.