18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
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Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.