18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
At least my masseuse has my back.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Who’s your best friend?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.