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[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
What?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
This trial is so absurd 😭
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job