1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
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[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Same pineapple, same
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.