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Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.


Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.


I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.


Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.


Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”


[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*


People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.


Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁


why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway