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i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.