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Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.