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I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I know
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
#catsoftwitter
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”