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If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search