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Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
(Musicians.)
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
That’s fair
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat