[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
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Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.