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I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.


[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall


I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.


Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals


*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?


Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”


Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey


Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’