I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
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[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’