18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
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Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
me working on my assignments ^-^
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO