19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
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My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.