19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
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Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?