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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Practicing safe sax
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.