[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
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We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
termite twitter scares me
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Thursday Thought.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
boat question
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.