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Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
lmao
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor