1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
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When you have to marry your mother-in-law
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?