[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
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@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
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oh u like history? name everything that happened
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.