1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
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Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
There are usually two types of merchants.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*