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I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans