1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
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Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Great acting.. 😂
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey