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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.