1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
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Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.