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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
pls suprot
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid