[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Optional boss fight.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.