1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
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Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.