1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
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Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Blew my mind.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you