[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
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Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
peak technology
No. YOU-buprofen.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.