[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday