@miffedmim

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

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@BrassBallsCJ

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

@cambuslad

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

@rachelle_mandik

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

@3sunzzz

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

@DearAuntAbby

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

@nocturnallyme

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

@abhorrent_wife

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.