[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.