1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
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[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Thoughts
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Something Saturday.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage