1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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When your man makes a valid point
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.