@blade_funner

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

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@robdelaney

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

@maryfairybobrry

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

@nealbrennan

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

@zebrasyndicate

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

@FriedWords

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

@RiotGrlErin

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

@FatherWithTwins

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

@1800Randy

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

@panmidwest

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

@dysalexia

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.