1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
You Might Also Like
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Monday Lisa
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.