1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
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interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”