1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead


“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”


“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”


“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…


Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.


Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi


A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.


Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”


The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.