1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
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I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Worth the read.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler