1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
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she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol