1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
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what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.